Living With OCD

To start, let me just say, this is not the cute OCD we used to talk about when Jadyn would arrange cans on the shelf in the store.  It's not the annoying way I have to have all my cooking tools in the right spot, in the right drawer.  This is debilitating, clinical OCD.  And Devin has it.  Two years ago, a psychologist suggested she might have it.  Me and Darin:  "No, she just really likes books.  ...and freaks out when we stop her half-way through one to do... anything."  Ok, we're ready to say it out loud. Devin has OCD.


I know, I know, you're all thinking, I thought she had Selective Mutism.  Yes.

I thought she had SID (Sensory Integration Disorder).  Yes.

I thought she had ADHD/ADD.  Yes.

Now, throw OCD into that mix.  What have you got???  Well, for starters, a pretty chaotic morning, every morning, and two very frazzled parents.  If only that RS President knew that when she arrives at my house 15 minutes early for our meetings, there's a pretty darn good reason why I'm stressed and not all that pleasant, and why arriving 15 minutes early is such a big deal.

OCD is a mental illness. I sooooooooo appreciated Elder Holland's talk in April's conference where he talked about that father who brought the boy "possessed with spirits" to Jesus.  I remember listening to that talk in the car, on my way to a sub job, when it suddenly hit me.  "Our whole family is affected by this."  I couldn't stop the tears, and I can only imagine what I looked like as I walked into that school that day.

And then in his talk this October:   "So how do you best respond when mental or emotional challenges confront you or those you love? Above all, never lose faith in your Father in Heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend.... Seek the counsel of those who hold keys for your spiritual well-being. Ask for and cherish priesthood blessings. Take the sacrament every week, and hold fast to the perfecting promises of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Believe in miracles. I have seen so many of them come when every other indication would say that hope was lost. Hope is never lost. If those miracles do not come soon or fully or seemingly at all, remember the Savior’s own anguished example: if the bitter cup does not pass, drink it and be strong, trusting in happier days ahead." 

Darin and I fast and pray on a weekly basis.  Darin gives Devin blessings weekly.  "Lord, I believe.  Help though mine unbelief."

Elder Holland also says, "If things continue to be debilitating, seek the advice of reputable people with certified training, professional skills, and good values. Be honest with them about your history and your struggles. Prayerfully and responsibly consider the counsel they give and the solutions they prescribe. If you had appendicitis, God would expect you to seek a priesthood blessing and get the best medical care available. So too with emotional disorders. Our Father in Heaven expects us to use all of the marvelous gifts He has provided in this glorious dispensation."

What a comfort it was to hear him say this.  We put it off for far too long, hoping that we could just fast and pray, and if we had enough faith, she would get better.  But two months ago, I reached my limit and asked Darin to make an appointment.  Since then, I have been working more on my patience and compassion.

So here's how this morning went.   (Devin also has a night-time routine with Darin, but I won't go into that right now.  Maybe another day.)  Halloween morning, where costumes are required.  5:50, Darin and I wake up.  I lay in bed on a heating pad instead of my usual hour of exercise.  I'm seriously wondering if the daily morning battle to get Devin dressed and out the door is what's keeping it from healing.  Last night, I told Darin to get the kids up a little earlier because 1) It's Halloween, and 2) Devin's starting her new medication.

Flashback:  Yesterday, Darin took Devin to a nurse practitioner to get some meds.  Yes, thanks to Mr. Obama, it took us 8 weeks to get in to see her.  All our previous drs. have quit.  2 Psychologists, 1 Pediatrician, and 1 family dr.  But that's a whole other conversation.  I used the excuse that I needed to take Jadyn to and from swim, and also "make" the leftovers, so I couldn't do it.  Really, I just don't want to go see another stupid psychologist who says stupid things to Devin like, "How come you don't look happy?"  Hello, she's a Selective Mute, and you've just alienated her in your first sentence.  We've told you, she's got anxiety with new people, and if you want to have success, try complimenting her, not criticizing her.  Duh.

So, basically, this medication is not for depression (She's really not depressed, and is quite a happy kid), but they use the same medication to treat OCD.  Good news, if it works, it may actually cure her of this.  Apparently, if she's on it for 12 months, it can rewire her brain and get rid of these compulsions.  Yay!  Another good thing, her ADHD medication could help tone down the uninhibited Devin that we experienced 2 years ago when she was on these meds for 2 months.  The whole taking off on her bike and crossing a busy 5pm main street by herself and riding all over the neighborhood until one of our friends told us where she was.  Or the grabbing a butcher knife out of the dishwasher as I'm emptying it.  Thank goodness she stopped when I YELLED, "STOP!"

A concern, if she drops below the 10th percentile for weight, it could make her have some psychotic episodes.  Wait, WHAT?  She's in the 13th percentile, so I guess it's time to fatten the calf.  Funny, she really doesn't look skinny to me.  She kinda looks perfect to me.  Now, last year when she started her ADHD meds, and lost 8 lbs.  That was skinny!  Thankfully, we took her off over the summer to "fatten her up."  Unfortunately, it drives Darin absolutely crazy when she asks for "a fine feast" of a slice of bologna, a slice of cheese, and pretzels at 9:30 pm.  Me, I'm just glad she's eating.

Ok, so back to this morning.  Darin usually gives her the medication because I'm usually exercising still, and because it's often a battle.  We've put her ADHD meds in applesauce for a year now, and it's been going pretty well after a rough start.  But today, we've got to add a new medication to the mix.  Well, despite starting earlier than usual, it's 7:05, and Darin's supposed to be at work already, and she's barely taken any of the medicine.  So I told him to go and I'd do it.  I begged, pleaded, bribed (oops, I forgot to give her that piece of chocolate), even let her get a big swallow of water after each bite, meanwhile thinking about how she's going to pee her pants 30 minutes after school starts.  Finally, it's done.  Oh, did I mention that by this time, she's sitting on the toilet?  I give her her three squares of toilet paper.

Pause.  Months ago, she was using, like, seriously, a whole roll of toilet paper to wipe, and we were having the toilets clog every day, sometimes twice a day (not to mention the cost!).  So I said she only gets 3 squares.  That's all.  "Well, I don't know how many to get."  So I show her.  I rip off 3 squares and give it to her.  A new compulsion is born.  Now, she often comes home smelling like pee because she won't go to the bathroom at school because I'm not there to help.  Once upon a time, she could do this on her own.  But not anymore.  Oh, did I mention that since the beginning of the school year, when she got new undies, I've had to pull them up for her.  Something about new clothes that combines her SID with her OCD.  Not pleasant.

Now we're finally back to her bedroom.  I grab the black undies, because those are the only ones she can put on herself.  Nope, it's not Friday, and those are her Friday Undies.  But Devin, it's Halloween, and if you pee your pants, you can't go out trick or treating, because you have to wear your black sweats and t-shirt (her Friday clothes) under your costume.  Nope, it's not Friday.  After 10 minutes of begging, I give in, but only sort of.  I put on another color.  "You know, today's kinda like Friday.  There's no school tomorrow."  "Oh, I didn't know that.  I'd better put on my Friday clothes."  Next come the socks.  I have to put them on, and one by one, wait for her to pull them so far up that holes are about to rip through.  Then I need to grab the sock between the big toe and then second toe and pull.  Then she pulls the sock tight again.  Again SID + OCD is not pleasant.

After this is done, I ask her, "How do you want to wear your hair with your costume?"  She will only wear her hair in three ways:  down, pulled back in a hair clip, and in a French braid.  She says, "In a clip because I've never worn my hair another way with my costume."  As I walk out her room to get the hair clip from my bathroom, I call, "It doesn't matter....."

Into the bathroom, where I brush her hair and her teeth.  After I'm done, she holds her hand out, where I place her cup so that she can rinse.  Once upon a time, she could pick up that *darn* cup by herself.  A rather new development: I have to leave the bathroom and close the door.  Just two weeks ago, I only had to be on her left side, not completely out of the bathroom.

I just start to get ready to take a shower when I remember she has to study her spelling words this morning for her test, so I go back to the bathroom to remind her.  I find Jadyn waiting at the door, and I hear Devin in the bathroom, still spitting.  A carry-over from when she takes her asthma medicine and she has to rinse it out of her mouth or it will stunt her growth.

I am just about to get in the shower, when Devin barges in holding her crotch.  "I gotta go to the bathroom!"  I'm thinking, "You've got your Friday clothes, what's the problem??"  Then I remember, the TP.  Ugh!  See, I knew all that water was going to be a problem.  "Ok, hurry and go in my bathroom."

I'm just getting out of the shower, and Jadyn comes to tell me Devin needs me.  "Why?"  "She's on the toilet."  Again?  Darn TP!  (Only, in my mind, Darn! sounds a lot like Damn!)

I'm all ready, Jadyn's almost ready.  Devin.  Oh, Crap.  She was supposed to draw a picture of her Pet Rock, but we ran out of time yesterday due to her doctor appointment and activity night.  "Ok, draw a picture of your pet rock really fast." Five minutes later, all she's got is a picture of herself and Jadyn.  She's asking how to spell 'sister'.  As I tell her, she's got to extend the cross on the T clear across the page.  On both sides.  She didn't need to do this last month.  E.  Where it connects, she has to scribble it so much that it's unrecognizable.  And every week, it gets worse.  This, along with A's started somewhere around April or May.  She also has to scribble 8's and 9's.  And 9's have to extend the scribble to every available margin.  Then she has to finish drawing the entire family, as well as label us.  Then she draws the Pet Rock. 

Ok, that's finally done.

One more time to the bathroom.  "NO!  I don't have to go again."  "Just try one more time!"  Crying and peeing, "I didn't have to go very much."  Ugh!

Now to get her costume on.  Thankfully, this year all it involves is putting a breast plate, helmet and some sort of arm guards.  Something she can easily do herself.  Easy peasy. 

Next, the boots.  She always has to come ask me if they are right (on the right foot).  Even though she knows *darn* well that they are, she has to ask me.  And I HAVE to say the right words.  Yep or yeah won't do.  It's gotta be YES.   I find myself saying "Yeah, YES" a lot.

Finally in the car and off to school.

At the drop-off, I've got to play Elastigirl and help her hold up her coat hood and put her backpack on from the front seat.

And I drive off, ready for a nap.  Only not today, today is the Halloween parade, and I've got to be back in 1/2 an hour.  Now I'm back from  the parade and typing this, I realize, oh crap!  I need to go to Winco and use that coupon before the kids get out of school in two hours!